The beginnings of a new blog post

Nevermind the fact that I’ve basically abandoned this thing. I want to talk about something else.

Everyone’s different when it comes to making themselves happy. How far will people go to achieve their own happiness? Some will seek out an entourage to constantly feed them self-esteem. Some will suffice with a few close friends. Some prefer to be alone, reading or solving a world catastrophe or putting together a puzzle. Some will steal, some will kill, some will simply run away from problems. Some will get a job and some will beg. Yet in all my years until now, I thought everyone had good intentions from their own point of view. Everything people did could be justified if you consider that person’s well-being at the time. And it doesn’t make it better, it just explains things.

And then I met others whose intentions justify nothing. Funny it took so long to see, and I blame it on being so sheltered (and selective) back home. The fact is, these others have little to nothing that can sustain their happiness. It’s really a sad predicament – I don’t know where I’d be if I was still searching, still wondering every night what is it that I want, that which will eliminate weeks of brooding. I’d probably be one of them. Because you see, the only way these people can ever feel good about themselves is if everyone around them feels a little worse. In the extreme case, they thrive on criticism, putting people down and yet pretending to be above all the nuisance. The funny thing is, they need people around them because otherwise, there wouldn’t be anyone left to put down. This forces friendliness out of them, but it’s a fake friendliness that’s easy to spot almost right on. Have you ever bonded with a stranger over mutual hate? Doesn’t it feel good to know there’s someone else out there who shares the same antagonistic feelings? But imagine this was your life. That the strongest bonds of friendship you have are rooted in negativity and mocking, and when the object of negativity no longer pertains, you have absolutely nothing left to make you happy.

It’s no wonder these people have so much to criticize about the world. It’s jealousy, in the purest form. Jealousy that others can sustain themselves just fine, can laugh so hard about something other than making fun of those surrounding them. These people are really only laughing at themselves. You feel sorry for them, try to help them, but it’s futile when you suspect they secretly (very secretly) thrive on your misery.

In a way, we’re all like them. We are selfish and want the best for ourselves, and if that means someone will lose, that’s a sacrifice we will take. But what differentiates them from everyone else is that aside from their bashing, they have nothing else to hold on to. I meet these people now and then, and every time it gets a little easier to distinguish fake from honest. A true complement from a backhanded one.

I didn’t know how long it would have taken me to say this, but I believe I’ve found my happiness. I’m sure people around me will come and go, but I know exactly where to turn in my moments of sadness and helplessness. Where, and to whom. No amount of mocking or criticism can even begin to hold a candle to the joy, the security, and the relief that my own happiness can bring. I’m not saying there aren’t bad times – if life was this good constantly, it would be totally unfair – but they don’t seem to matter when I consider the long run. Everything is lost in the promise of permanence. Of course, nothing is permanent, I believe I’ve mentioned that several times in the past few years. That is, nothing is permanent except change. And to be able to grow, change, and mature next to someone is a hell of a lot better than doing it while trying to push everyone away.

In this turbulence, I found my constant. I only hope you’ll find yours as well. Continue reading >>