The beginning of the end

And here I go again.

I'm definitely planning to continue the blog during college - how else will my old friends know the agonizing details of the big fat crazy booty-shaking adventure that is life at NYU - but I feel like those posts will belong to a world entirely different from this one. Before I take that last step, there are still some entries left to be written. They'll be succinct and probably random, just like my last thoughts about all the years spent in Palo Alto.

The reason I've been MIA for a month is that I've been vacationing in Russia, but that's not why I haven't posted in such a long time. The truth is that there are so many things to say that I can't even start talking. Hopefully they'll come out bit by bit over the next few weeks because as I've said before, writing helps me deal with whatever's wrong, and yes I KNOW I shouldn't be complaining because I'm going to a great school in one of the most exciting cities in the world and yada yada, but since I'm saying something's wrong I must have a reason, right?

All I ask of you readers is that you don't dismiss my reasons. "You'll forget about it in a few months" sounds dandy, but at least consider the possibility that there's more to it. There may be more to it than the routinely cold feet or my habitual overthinking or, as Mr. Daren liked to say, my "teenage angst" (how strange to think that I'll never have to answer to him again). Or there may be not. Mr. Pandich, my old history teacher, liked to remind us of the kiss principle - keep it simple, stupid - whenever we wrote anything, long or short. So I'm keeping it simple and unedited. This is me, this is the end of a huge chunk of my life and the beginning of another, and this is how I say goodbye.

After I get the obvious out of the way, it gets complicated.




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Changing face

When I looked at the home page of my blog this morning, instead of feeling a rush of excitement at all the writing possibilities, I felt a whopping bleeeeeeeeeh. It just screamed (or more likely whimpered, as it dried up, withering) dread and depression. So I changed the header to something more fitting to the next few months that are opening up ahead of me.

For some reason I have a newfound obsession with the color lime - it is bright without being obnoxious, and at the same time cooling without looking dreary. I've got a bit of New York in there, although I doubt this header will last far into the year. The funky font is actually the same one they use for the headings in the Calvin and Hobbes cartoons, which is what my life reminds me of sometimes - a giant cartoon. Only less funny.

Countdown to trip: 9 days. I'm still trying to figure out a way to blog in internetless Turkmenistan.


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I forgive you.

I began writing a post three days ago, but was never able to finish. I had all the words to start it but not enough to write an ending that actually had a conclusion. So I'll leave that for after senior trip-


In the meantime, there are so many things I want to say before the year ends I don't know which topic to start with. Since we're boarding the bus for the 5+ hour ride (with the Darenator!...) to Laguna tomorrow, I'm going to keep this brief.

A friend reminded me today about mistakes and repair, and somehow this takes on a different meaning when I'm saying goodbye to one part of my life and leaping into the random scary unknown. We all make them, the mistakes. Some are practically harmless and some turn our life around. Luckily I don't think I've made any of the second type, but who knows? Who's to say that if I hadn't made this decision or that one, I would be in a completely different place? But if someone makes mistakes that affect us, the important thing is not to hold grudges. This is particularly hard when "affect" means ripping every endorphin (='happy' chemical in the brain (yes I'm aware I'm a psych nerd)) apart and stomping them down until nothing is left but sad, brooding regret. I have the right to be mad for another week, you say. Then I'll think about forgiving them. But what if there isn't a tomorrow because this is the end, this is it? How important is getting back at someone when in a few days there's a good chance you'll never see them again?

Most importantly, if this person has been a major part of your life, shouldn't the leaving memories be at least amiable? That's a very weak word in retrospect. Amazing, unforgettable, happy are all better substitutes, but things rarely work out that way. The most we can do is make an effort to not make the memories painful, for either of you. Not when it's the last week, day, few hours. And then to forgive. That's one of the few qualities that make us uniquely human - acknowledging that someone screwed up but accepting them and loving them anyway.

So I forgive you, you stupid, stupid idiot.


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All I can ask for

is that you do what makes you happy. Please, please do it for yourself. There's nothing left for me to want anymore besides start trying to fix what I broke, so you gotta do it. Promise. Continue reading >>