(The much overdue) List of the Week

This week's List of the Week, inspired by my recent outing to see He's Just Not That Into You, is designed to serve as a first-date manual for how to NOT make yourself seem nuttier than a jar of chunky peanut butter. Sorry, boys. This list is femme-oriented.

Questions you shouldn’t ask even though you really want to

1. Are you comfortable using the word “hot” to describe a guy? What about, like, Johnny Depp?
   
2. Will you be shocked/disappointed/delighted/indifferent (circle one) to find out I swear like a sailor?
   
3. Are you a long-distance-relationship kinda guy?
   
4. Does your room look like the violent end of the Cold War?
   
5. Do you know how to spell in text messages?
   
6. How often do you shower? Honestly now?
   
7. Do you agree that Valentine’s Day is a shameless consumer holiday with no real romantic substance whatsoever?
   
8. What would you say if I told you I can’t go a day without singing and must practice my vocal skills at hourly intervals with tunes from “Chicago” and “Hairspray”?
   
9. Do you have a weird infatuation with comic books or some other 8th-grade-boy crap?
   
10. Please identify the following cultural references so I know I can hang around you for more than an hour without awkward silences:
    

• “What has two thumbs and doesn’t give a crap?”
  
• “We were on a break!”
  
• “Doesn’t any of this look familiar?” “Well yeah! Here is my favorite leaf. How could I forget this place?”
  
• “I doubt she gave you the stink eye. That’s just how her face looks, you know? That’s just her face.”
  
• “And then he ran into my knife. He ran into my knife ten times.”
  

Questions you should probably ask for lack of anything else remotely interesting

1. What was the last good, and I mean friggin’ good, movie you saw?
   
2. What do you want to do in ten years?
   
3. If you could pick any place in the world, where would you live?
   
4. What’s playing on your iPod right now?
   
5. Cats or dogs?
   
6. What’s the last book you read for pleasure?
   
7. Chocolate or vanilla? What, vanilla? Excuse me, I have to go home to take care of my sick sister.
   

Questions too inappropriate for the ‘don’t ask’ category

1. Are you Catholic? Like devoted Catholic or fallen-from-the-grace-of-God Catholic?
   
2. If you chose option 2 in the previous question, how long does your silly little mind reckon it’ll take you to get in my pants?
   
3. Do you have any warts, lesions, pimples, and/or backne in unusual places that I should know about?
   
4. Have you ever shopped at stores like Spencer’s or Hot Stuff? If so, what articles did you purchase?
   
5. Is that a beer gut, or are you going to tell me you’re big-boned?
   
6. Have you ever named your privates (if you answer “no”, you’re a liar), and did the name(s) include any combination of Jack, Richard, Pee-Wee, Gladiator, or Massive Sword of Masculinity?
   

Questions you should ask if your date is a jackass, smoker, or a complete tool, and you want to drive him away

1. You’re cool with dating a commie, right?
   
2. Have you ever seen a used tampon? If you’re curious, I’m about to go to the bathroom and take one out right now, I can wrap it in toilet paper and show you if you’d like. They’re really quite mesmerizing.
   
3. What money limit do you want to set on gifts when we go Christmas shopping for each other next year?
   
4. You like Kanye? Get outta here, so did my ex-boyfriend! Quick, what do you shave with? – maybe your favorite razor brand matches, too!
   
5. Can you try to be more like Edward Cullen?
   
6. What do you mean, who’s Edward Cullen? Did you not do your homework before going on this date?!
   
7. When do you want to get married? I think two years from now would be good, we’d have just enough time to book the wedding band and pick out the cake decorations.
   
8. Are you cool with meeting my mother tomorrow? And don't worry, I informed her you’re coming, she already shaved her legs.
   

Hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I did writing it.