On the other side

This phrase may have been said a hundred times. In the end, you start thinking about the beginning. Or, at least I say it often. The ironic part is that nothing is really the end - every episode in life smoothly flows into the next one, there's no stop and go like when you finish a book or turn off a movie. Every time I think it's the end, the story continues. Whether it brings in new people or finds a way to prolong itself with the old ones, the sequence of life never stops for a breather. So I won't say it this time. It's not the end.

It is, however, the end of a cycle. February 9, 2008, exactly one year ago yesterday. So I guess when you make a full round, it's hard not to think about where you were at its beginning. Where was I? - in the parking lot by his car, having just given a white teddy bear and a Visa gift card.

"I don't deserve it," he said. Sure as hell he didn't. But there was no use bringing up the obvious, the cliched, the stale, the exposed, especially on his birthday. Mentally, I was in a completely different place as well. I wrote a poem at the end of 10th grade that started out with

The chick flicks and the cookie dough,

We swung around on swings;

Were were naive - we didn't know

What sophomore year would bring.

I thought that by then, I was completely past the innocent stage of naivety. All time had to do was slap me in the face and show me the meaning of experience, because that's what decides where you are on the maturity spectrum regardless of your age. As sophomore year drew to a close, I thought I had all the experience my uninhibited fifteen-year-old brain could hold. Yeah, I was a smartass. Now, although I can officially say I've tackled (as close as a minor can get to) real-life problems, I still have maybe a tenth of the experience I need to be making generalizations about life. So I'll refrain from that.

All I can say is that it's been a year, and it's both funny and sad to look at myself back then. Hell, it's sad to look at myself now - I've changed, but has it really been for the better? I like to believe so. I never think about what would have happened if I did something differently because I don't like to progress backwards - if it weren't for my bad decisions, I wouldn't know the things I know now.

Another phrase I like is that time erases all the bad things. I don't know if it's actually true, but there will always be things I can't forget. Not everyone gets a blank slate. Because, as they very correctly pointed out, some people don't deserve it.