Teaching terrible morals to little kids since 1923

There are few things in life that make me angrier than teaching children bad manners. Among those things are fake people, pathological liars, unfair college selection, stubborn adults, idiots who don't see crap in front of their nose, and tucking my feet into a blanket on the couch with a full dinner in front of me and realizing I left the remote on the kitchen table. But that's another post; tonight is dedicated to a rant about a movie so debased, so lewd and twisted, a movie that wears the children's cape of hope and opportunity but reveals to be a warped monstrosity concocted from the vile mind of Walt Disney.

Yes, I'm talking about this movie right here:

As I was babysitting Leeza('s sister) tonight, we decided to pop in our childhood favorite VHS. Little Natalie lay back on a pillow with a fuzzy blanket around her body, looking like the innocent uncorrupted four-year-old she was. So imagine my horror when this movie, which I haven't seen for at least ten years, starts things off with this guy:

Governor Radcliffe, the established villain of the storyline. There are so many things wrong with this image, I don't even know where to begin. First off, what is it with the bowties? Did they decide that pulling out two random strands of hair and tying them in the end with red ribbons alluded to wealth and power? Not only is that 'do inconceivable in real life (as hair will not stay put in that position for longer than ten minutes), the fact that he's a villain tells little boys that it's wrong to adorn their locks with bowties. What if they want to wear bowties? What if their own father wears a cute little red bowtie?? Not only does this promote sexist gender inequalities that criticize all "girly" nuances in a man, it can scar children for life.

Let's move on to the nose. Have you ever noticed that nearly all of Disney's male villains have an inhumanly crooked nose? Did Mr. Walt have a problem with Jewish people? Ah, yes, in fact he did - an article that runs in several newspapers called the Straight Dope talks about some of Disney's anti-semitic shorts, where "... the Big Bad Wolf comes to the door dressed as a stereotypical Jewish peddler. Disney changed the scene after complaints from Jewish groups. They didn't catch them all, though. In the short "The Opry House" Mickey Mouse is seen dressed and dancing as a Hasidic Jew." So yes, kids, people with an eagle beak nose will gladly shoot a comrade and secretly plot to take all of your gold. Next.

I suspect this is the reason people do this to their dogs:

But hold your poodles, it gets worse. Pocahontas does a jump from a cliff that has her in the air for a good ten seconds before submersing splash-lessly right next to her canoe, and then she river rafts off a waterfall. Yes, because if you sail around the riverbend into the great unknown that is the bottom of a waterfall, you won't die. Honest to blog.

Of course, that would be only one of the many stupid decisions you'll make if you take advice from a talking tree. In fact, if only you'll listen to your heart, you can learn a language you've never heard before in an instant. If you dream about something strange like a spinning arrow, well doggoneit it means something. And you must figure out the meaning of that dream if you ever wish to have any chance at realizing your path in life of all that the present and future can hope to hold.

All things considered, I didn't mind this movie too much when I first watched it. In fact, I was so mesmerized that I immediately rented the second one. And after watching such a touching story about the daughter of an Indian chief who saved the white man that she loved, what do we get? - Pocahontas ditches the tribal wear for England's finest and finds no further need for John Smith, her blond hunk, and therefore easily replaces him with John Rolfe. Okay, her English wasn't great and she may have confused the two Johns, but they had different freaking hair colors! On top of that, she criticizes poor Smith for something that wasn't even his fault.

Now, as a five year old, I was enraged at this ridiculous turn of events. What happened to true-love-conquers-all? Then I grew up and found the biggest atrocity this movie has made: historically, it's a bunch of bullcrap. John Smith was just as abrasive and self-promoting as the rest of the English mercenaries, and it is very likely that he lied and embellished the tale about his heroic sacrifice. This is from the real, legit Powhatan Tribe website: 

"The true Pocahontas story has a sad ending. In 1612, at the age of 17, Pocahontas was treacherously taken prisoner by the English while she was on a social visit, and was held hostage at Jamestown for over a year. During her captivity, a 28-year-old widower named John Rolfe took a "special interest" in the attractive young prisoner. As a condition of her release, she agreed to marry Rolfe [...] Two years later on the spring of 1616, Rolfe took her to England where the Virginia Company of London used her in their propaganda campaign to support the colony. She was wined and dined and taken to theaters. It was recorded that on one occasion when she encountered John Smith (who was also in London at the time), she was so furious with him that she turned her back to him, hid her face, and went off by herself for several hours. Later, in a second encounter, she called him a liar and showed him the door." You can read more here.

Disney, Disney, Disney. I guess the songs are the only good things to ever come from his highly corrupted motion pictures. But hey, that's just my late-night opinion.

All stills used above were taken with permission from here.